|Time With Tamika|
Relationships & Life
I made a request weeks ago or maybe it was longer. I looked into the demise of what I once knew and fathomed a life of being viewed as who I really am. I prayed to myself in the silence of my own loud thoughts. I internalized what I wanted. I repeated it once again to my mom in a fretful state of pain. Through the tears, I sobbed, saying out loud, “I need more here. I cant do it anymore, not alone.” I hated that I could feel everyones pain. That I could and would take it on for them, protecting them from it all. My visions would come to me like light flashes, quickly flicking, if I chose to focus, to zoom in, I could see it all.
Its tough to see it sometimes. To have dreams and nightmares; sometimes good and sometimes bad, but they come true. To cope with it all I need a significant amount of alone time to rekindle the importance of me. So being alone... I know how to be that. I have perfected it. Still I need it in moments to balance my hectic life and most just simply cannot understand that. The needs, wants, and desires of others rocking my circle of defense can cause an emotional breakdown so severe that I question my existence and really wanting to end it all...but I can’t. I will not.
In the meantime, I had to be refilled. What once satisfied my core needs was not enough. I meditated. I connected to nature. I read. I wrote. Still I needed a person. A person to accept me without judgement. To hear me, see me, and just be there. To fill me up and not take from me like everyone else. There has not been anyone in my life like this before, besides my mother and grandmother, but I needed the connection now. For them to be present here, and to just be....
I’m so grateful for you. You have no idea. I think I will continue to bug you, only because you have given me the personified vision of what it was I was asking for, at the right darn time.
I never took it upon myself to be right until I noticed others. Once I saw the desperation of those around me I had a great understanding of pain recognizing pain. I began to take the time to see others as they eyed me attempting to be seen. Its tough to want to talk, but with no one to listen. It sucks to have so much to say, but your words seem unworthy. To be, but you believe your presence is not significant enough to warrant acknowledgement.
As I walk I have a tendency to see myself stomping the pavement with a sensation of great ease. The silence of footsteps patter against the cement walkways as the cracking concrete occurs from simultaneous pulses of my shoes pacing the pavement. Never before have I had a desire to seek love. To want it, ask for it, and wait for it.
I need it. I’m ready for it, and I want it from YOU! You as in me, YOU and those that I see. Our destiny is to be loved, to love and to be seen for who we really are and be unconditionally accepted for what is.
Author: Tamika Carlton
I am simply motivated, focused and always inspired!
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